Proper Procedure
by Chaos Silk
Summary: Subtitled: Coffee & Consequences. The Turks have a lot of written and unwritten rules for every imaginable scenario, from making coffee to walking the President through the slums (which happens far more than they like). Gen fic, light on shipping, heavy on humor. Updates on Saturdays.
1. Coffee & Consequences

This is dedicated to my best friend and completely platonic lifemate, Litalo or MuseRavyn or whatever she's going by on this site now. Hopefully this cheers us both up and keeps us from setting things on fire or breaking things at our jobs.

Yes, I am doing another one. It makes me happy and keeps me sane. Will update on Saturdays from now on, assuming I have time to write.

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Prompt: Coffee

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"I made coffee," Reno announced as soon as Tseng and Rude stepped into the breakroom. The two Turks stopped and exchanged looks before eyeing the third. Reno continued to grin like there were not implications in what he had just announced, leaning back in his comfortable chair with his own cup of coffee gripped lightly in one hand. He took a sip, as if to prove he hadn't poisoned it. Neither Turk was relieved.

"What kind?" Tseng demanded, leaving Rude in the doorway to stalk over to the coffee pot and inspect it for quality. It looked and smelled like coffee, but that didn't mean it wasn't hiding something horrible. If one wanted to know what horrors could come out of a normal pot of coffee, look no further than the science department and their coffee pot (no one wanted to talk about what Hojo did to it).

Reno tilted his head to the side, considering the question for a moment. Tell the truth or obfuscate until Tseng hit him with a chair? Like it was a real decision. Reno shifted in the chair to make himself comfortable, shrugging dramatically in the same motion. "Just something I found lying around," he confessed with a smirk, taking another sip.

Tseng's head snapped around so fast that he might have given himself whiplash, glaring at Reno like he he was judging the redhead's sins (and there were many). At this point, Rude had figured out what was going on and had moved from the doorway to beside Tseng, helping himself to his own cup of coffee. Reno ignored Tseng's glare in favor of making a face at Rude as he defiled the purity of his coffee with creamer (as if he himself hadn't dumped half a cup of sugar in his own, but at least he didn't change the color).

"It's fine Boss," Rude said, lifting his drink up to sniff it, one last final text before he tilted his head back and chugged it down with all the finesse of a frat boy with a can of beer. Tseng and Reno watched him, one with trepidation, the other with detached amusement. Finally the cup was empty and Rude brought it down, tilting his head in such a way that suggested he was eyeing it behind his sunglasses.

"Well?" Tseng demanded, wanting to know if he should head towards another coffeepot untouched by Reno or the science department. Rude shrugged and made himself another cup, downing it much in the same manner as the first. Tseng glanced at Reno, who was watching with fascination, his own cup forgotten.

"Meh," Rude pronounced, shrugging his shoulders and looking at Tseng. "It doesn't taste like coffee," he explained when Tseng's expression darkened.

"But it is coffee!" Reno exclaimed from his little corner, practically cackling to himself. Tseng fixed him with another glare.

"Did you steal from a convenience store again?" Tseng demanded. Not that he had anything against convenience stores and their battery acid disguised as coffee, he just expected a higher quality cup of coffee when he was at work. If there was one thing that was uniform across all departments (again, except the science division) it their dependence on coffee, which resulted in higher quality caffeine across the board.

Reno tilted his head to the side, grinning like a maniac as he studied him. "Nope," he said, taking another sip calmly.

Rude and Tseng exchanged looks. Tseng looked deliberately at the coffee pot then back to Rude's shades, asking without asking if he should turn back around and risk 'borrowing' from Reeve's coffeepot until they finished what was in the pot. Rude shrugged, turning back to doctor up another cup of coffee. Reno watched him, eyes rolling towards the ceiling as he put in enough creamer to make it almost white.

Tseng watched them both, gaze flicking from one cup of coffee to the other. With a resigned sigh, he grabbed one of the empty cups on the table and began to slowly fill it with coffee. As soon as he was satisfied with the amount, he put in enough creamer to turn it two shades lighter and half as much sugar as Reno did. Then he paused, cup in hand as he stared into the liquid like it could predict the future.

"Wouldn't poison ya," Reno reminded him with a grin, one that was entirely too cheerful for Tseng's liking. Instead of dignifying that with a response, Tseng took a sip of his coffee. And then immediately spit it out.

"This is tea," Tseng stated in the most horrified tone he could muster, glaring at his coffee cup like it has pissed in his cornflakes and murdered his children. Rude froze, midway through chugging another cup, coffee-tea(?) spilling onto his shirt as he blinked in confusion. Reno let out a high-pitched noise and burst into laughter, spilling his own tea all over himself as he folded in on himself, one hand holding his stomach. Rude resumed drinking, having decided that as long as it has caffeine, he doesn't care (he can change his shirt).

"It's not though," Reno protested between bouts of laughter. He had set his drink on the table after the spill, one hand still over his stomach, the other crossed over his chest. He looked ridiculous, but when did he not?

Tseng glared at him and took another cautious sip, immediately making a face. The coffee flavor was barely there at all, almost over-powered by the taste of something else. Not as strong, but smoother, lacking the bite that made coffee coffee. It might have been hidden by the amount of creamer and sugar he put in, but he doubted it.

"This is tea," Tseng repeated, putting his cup down and glaring at the redhead still cackling like his life depended on it. He shook his head, turning on his heel and stalking to the door. When he reached the doorway he paused, glancing at Reno as he pressed to button to open the door.

"You're cleaning this up," he snapped, swiping his free hand to indicate all of the beverage-related mess that was directly his fault for making tea in the coffee pot again. He rolled his eyes as Reno waved him off, Rude still staring at the coffee pot like it had betrayed him and then left the room.

Reeve would never have allowed this to happen. So Tseng was going to steal his coffee and pretend he knew nothing about this. No matter what the consequences were.

[Unwritten Rule #?: Never put tea in the coffeemaker. Tseng changed it to a written rule immediately after this incident and made sure it was a punishable offense.]

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Thank you so much for reading, if you have any thoughts you'd like to share, kindly leave a review.

I am accepting prompts for this fic [Nothing above R or involving bodily fluids please]. So feel free to request anything you'd like to see from me in the future.


	2. Contradictions & Distractions

Ok, this started as a 100 word drabble I used as an example for someone and it just spiraled down from there. So special thanks to AlynnL and DarkHybridChild for this week's fic, they know exactly what they did :D.

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Prompt: Fire

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"Yo, Boss," Reno greeted as he stepped into Tseng's office, coffee mug in one hand, a file in the other. Tseng made a sound of acknowledgment, focused entirely on the information he was inputting into the computer. Upon noticing that Tseng was distracted, Reno grinned, laying the file he had retrieved for him on his desk and backing away.

"I probably shouldn't tell you this," Reno started, carefully masking the amusement in his expression as Tseng's head snapped up, eyes boring into him. "There is a fire in the breakroom," he said, not mentioning _which_. Tseng blinked at him, and with a resigned air, detached himself from the computer and calmly stalked out of his office.

Once he thought he was out of Reno's line of sight (he was not), he broke into a run. Reno watched him go with a smirk, shaking his head with amusement as he slid into Tseng's place and began to make a couple alterations to the file his boss had been working on. If he was lucky, he had ten minutes before Rude came to investigate. If he was unlucky, Rude was already standing in the door watching him.

He finished in two, the doorway thankfully clear of any interference as he slid around to the 'right' side of the desk, moving the file he had placed into the center of Tseng's desk. With a smirk, he went to lean against the doorway, waiting for Tseng to come back and the yelling to start. Of course, as soon as he stepped up, he realized that Rude had been waiting in his blind spot.

"What did you do?" Rude asked, regarding him like a bug he wanted to squish. Anyone else would be a little intimidated. Reno, however, thought it was hilarious whenever he got like this.

"Told Tseng there was a fire in the breakroom," Reno answered with a shrug, grinning as Rude scowled at him. "Remember that thing Reeve gave me this morning? I put it in there," he elaborated when Rude lifted a fist. He knew better than anyone that Rude would never hesitate to punch him if he felt it was needed.

He watched as Rude tilted his head to the side, trying to remember the conversation they had with the Department Head. It wasn't so much of a conversation as it was Reeve shoving things at them when they passed him in the hall. He waited a beat, watching comprehension dawn on Rude's face.

"You are evil," Rude said after a moment, shaking his head in amusement. He glanced over Reno's shoulder, looking directly at Tseng's computer and then met Reno's eyes. Not that Reno could tell because of his sunglasses, but they had been partners long enough to know.

Reno shifted, glancing back and then looked directly into the lenses of Rude's sunglasses. "Don't worry about it," he said, jerking his chin up confidently. He didn't have to explain himself, Rude studied him for a breath.

"Don't drag me into it," Rude warned, stating that he would be taking Tseng's side if Reno was caught. Reno shrugged, he expected no less. Rude shot one last glare at him and then left.

As soon as he rounded the corner, Tseng stalked back up, eyes practically shooting lasers into Reno's chest. "You told me," he accused, voice dark, "that the breakroom was on fire."

Reno couldn't help it, he laughed. "I told you," he said, sliding his hands into his pockets. "There was a fire in the breakroom. Nothing in there is on fire." He grinned, waiting for it.

Tseng looked at him, expression bemused. "You put the fire out?" He asked incredulously, looking like he had just been slapped in the face with a fish. This time, Reno was able to keep himself from cackling.

"No," he said, deciding that Tseng was a bit too frazzled by work to deal with his nonsense and took pity on him. "Reeve gave me a fire made out of paper and I put it in the breakroom. So technically there is a fire there." At Tseng's baffled look he added: "He gave Rude a duck."

Tseng continued to stare for a moment and then shook his head. "I should make you finish this report," he threatened lightly, rolling his eyes as he pushed Reno out of the way and headed back into his office. Reno followed him, chuckling.

"Already did," Reno admitted, feeling just a little bit proud of himself when Tseng came to a complete stop in front of him. He was expecting it so he slowed his pace just enough to avoid running into him as he walked around him. Tseng glared at him.

"Rufus ordered me to write it last week," he said, jabbing a finger at the file he had placed square in the middle of Tseng's desk. Tseng picked it up and flipped through, frowning when he saw that it was handwritten (as the most important Turk documents were). "He must've thought I didn't do it, because he ordered you to do it this morning." It goes without saying that Rufus does not have access to the office where they store the handwritten files, because only Turks knew where the entrance is hidden. Paranoia was one of the two foundations the company was built on (the second was delusions of grandeur).

"I fixed it for you," Reno said, having edited, saved and sent the edited document off to Rufus in the two minutes he had been alone in the office. He had accidentally memorized the whole thing and Tseng had been almost done, just misinformed about a few things that had happened.

Tseng sighed, facepalming as he checked Reno's report against his own knowledge and found himself coming up short. "Thank you?" he said questioningly, not used to Reno doing his own work, much less _his_. Reno laughed.

"No worries Boss," Reno said, waving it off like it was nothing. Like he hadn't just turned Tseng's entire world upside down and saved him an entire day of work. "Why don't you go take a nap or something? You look tired."

Tseng eyed him for a moment. "You're just using this to make me drop my guard, aren't you? What are you planning?" He demanded, thoughts of actual rooms being on fire and/or covered in tea.

"That's for me to know and you to find out," Reno chirped, far too cheerful for Tseng's liking. With that, he left Tseng's office, leaving the Turk Leader to wonder in silence.

[Rule #15: Watch out for your fellow Turks.]

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Thank you so much for reading, if you have any thoughts you'd like to share, kindly leave a review~.

I am accepting prompts for this fic [Nothing above R or involving bodily fluids please]. So feel free to request anything you'd like to see from me in the future.


	3. Uses for Paperclips

This was incredibly fun to write. Thank you for the prompt~.

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Prompt: Paperclips from VendettaSmiles

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"Elena," Reno began in the most serious tone he could muster. This sentence was usually followed by something useless, inconsequential or world devastating. Elena braced herself for the worst, asking if she could manage the Turk's office supply room was the worst decision she had made in her life."I am out of paperclips."

Elena blinked, trying to reconcile her image of Reno with one who cared about office supplies (beyond using them as puppets or toys) and failed. "What?" She asked, trying to make some sense of this. Maybe she had misheard.

"I am," Reno spoke slowly as if to a small child, "out of paperclips." Elena blinked again. Then she did the one thing she promised Tseng she would never do.

"Why do you need paperclips?" Never ever ask Reno why he did anything unless you were prepared for the consequences. Tseng had made an executive decision and preemptively banned Elena from asking it, not that it worked. The look Reno was giving her wasn't exactly giving her confidence either.

"You want to be a Turk and you don't what a paperclip is for?" Neither did the tone of his voice. She drew herself up, ready to defend herself. "Besides keeping papers together," he said as though it was the most obvious thing in the world, which took the wind right out of her sails. She visibly deflated.

Reno eyed her for a moment, looking torn between being amused and disappointed at this. As if on cue, Rude walked in and started rifling through the supply cabinet Elena was supposed to be guarding. Reno smirked, eyes cutting to Elena's before he turned to his partner. Elena winced, knowing that she was never going to hear the end of any of this.

"Hey Rude," Reno greeted. "Would you like to explain to Elena what Turks do with paperclips?" Rude turned, a pack of staples in his hand. Because of his sunglasses, neither of them could tell which one of them he was looking at, but Elena could feel him judging her. Reno grinned the entire time it took Rude to respond, waiting for it.

Rude shook his head, obviously not willing to get into the middle of this. Holding up one hand, he walked up, flipping both of them the bird as the door shut behind him. Reno watched him go, still smirking like he was the cat who had ate one canary and was about to eat the other.

"Rude uses them to build bombs," Reno said in a conspiratory tone, acting like he had imparted some great wisdom upon her. "Tseng uses them as lockpicks, 'cause every lock in the building is shit, except the ones that require keycards" he added, like she didn't already know that and hadn't witnessed them breaking into other offices several times.

"Let's see, what else," he continued, because obviously he wasn't done rubbing Elena's lack of creativity in her face. "Reeve sometimes uses them as replacement parts for his robots, just until he can find something that works together. You don't even want to know what Sephiroth uses them for." As he said that, he shuddered, as if just the thought was terrifying.

"They're more useful than you think Elena," with that, he finished lecturing her and started eying her again. "Which is why I am out of them," he said, bringing it back around. He stared at her expectantly, waiting for her to retrieve the box for him.

"And what do you use them for?" she asked instead, certain that this was it. This was where the nonsense began and Reno went off on some tangent about wars between inanimate objects or googly eyes or elaborate traps that made Tseng facepalm. He would stop being this person she didn't know that cared about office supplies and their uses and go back to normal. He looked at her like she was the most disappointing thing he'd seen all day.

"For keeping papers together," he said, rolling his eyes skyward. He pulled a sheaf of paper she previously hadn't noticed from beneath his arm, flapping them in her face. She stared at them, trying to make sense of it. She knew Reno did do paperwork, after all she'd heard Tseng yelling at him because his handwriting was so hard to read.

"Tseng revoked my stapler privileges," Reno added, misinterpreting the look she was giving him. He shrugged, looking a little put out. "You staple a couple people together and you never hear the end of it."

Blinking a little, Elena reached into her desk and pulled out the box of paperclips Tseng had told her to hide. Suddenly it all made sense. And yet didn't.

Like most things involving Reno.

[Rule #14: Always carry a paperclip.]

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Thank you so much for reading, if you have any thoughts you'd like to share, kindly leave a review~.

I am accepting prompts for this fic [Nothing above R or involving bodily fluids please]. So feel free to request anything you'd like to see from me in the future.


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